It’s 1.46 am Saturday morning as I type in the first word on this piece. Not that I am night walking and I trip over my laptop. I just noticed I have more than two thousand unread emails and I intend to read all tonight. I just got a couple of flight bonuses from Qatar airways, vouchers from Jumia, business proposals from a company and a chance to get a jersey signed by my all-time favorite Ronaldinho through a Barcelona competition among job suggestions from Brighter Monday and LinkedIn. This is more than enough motivation to read through all the mails and I am already drooling on my laptop. Perhaps I could find more bonuses from Qatar airways and earn up to 100% bonus, which would be equivalent to a fully paid trip to any choice destination. Let’s start with Havana, Cuba! Or maybe I might find an offer to run a column on The New York Times. Imagine reading your own column on the lifestyle section of the paper seated in the business class section of a Qatar airways plane flying over the Pacific all free. There is this Arab plane attendant with a nice cap and hijab with a long dress covering her feet all the way to her ankles but still bringing out those curves. She is smiling at you in that reserved professional manner but you know deep inside she knows you are a poor African kid and this trip is courtesy of a promotional offer you won. Maybe she is even thinking; for you to have won the trip, you must have an uncle who is a respected wizard in your village. But thanks to God, they are trained to be kind.
Hello sir, we are 30,000 feet above your village, are you enjoying the flight?
Every bit, just wish my fellow villagers could see me, I have been trying to wave
(Smiling in what seems like a disguised grin) they can’t see you sir at this height. Is there anything you might need?
Yes please can I get some water to clean my feet, I would like to spread my feet on the seat extension (I look at the passenger seated adjacent to me who is napping comfortably, this is meant to signal her that I need to spread my legs too but I can’t do that given my dirty feet, at least that’s what my mum taught me)
(Smiling again…or grinning) I understand sir but you don’t need to, you can simply press the button beneath the right hand rest of your seat and you can spread your legs as you wish.
Hesitantly I remove my shoes but at the same time whisper a short prayer that my mum never gets to know of this otherwise she will slap my soul hard.
Would you like anything else? Drinks or refreshments?
With the variety, uncertainty and fear of being served with stone soup (or whatever exotic drinks those exuberant men from Wall Street have for breakfast) I decide to ask for tea and six slices of bread WITH BLUEBAND.
Away from this illusion, I am still at 10% bonus but a boy must hope. Somewhere in the middle of reading these promising mails, I have to take a shit (this is how the devil works!) While am at it pushing and pushing (I must have requested the flight attendant to serve me roast maize too), I think of my dad. Not in a good way but also in not in such a bad way. For those who have been following this blog I lost my dad when I was three, not to death but divorce, I wrote about it here. So am thinking fathers’ day passed two weeks ago and I didn’t wish him a happy fathers’ day or post up his portrait on whatsapp or instagram like everybody else. Not that I am close to him, I actually only got to speak to him less than a year ago in 18 years but he always paid my school fees through high school and now in campus. Never late, never complaining. That’s what hurts me, he deserved a text at least if not a call to wish him a happy fathers’ day and let him know that I appreciate everything he has done for me. He had the option of abandoning me and leaving my mum to do everything but he stuck around, paying fees and sometimes adding something extra without asking for my report card or calling to know how I was coping up with algebra.
I wanted to write a post about fathers on fathers’ day but I couldn’t bring myself into typing a single word. I was always torn between how to present him, as the alcoholic who mistreated my mum or the good guy who kept in touch and supported my sister and I every time he was called upon too. Should I present him as the man I knew when I was a wild brat shitting on my shorts or the man who I missed in my teenage years when I needed advise on getting into manhood, deciding on whether to choose girls based on their heads, chests or backs or the man I met a year ago over eighteen years later who requested to speak to me and see how I was doing. However whichever position I settled for, I would never find a story to describe him. But he set a basis for my manhood and fatherhood. Both established on the doctrine that one never leaves his own. Albeit the contractual nature of marriages nowadays, I’ll never hung my kids out to dry.
In case some of you are wondering “kwani how long does this guy stay in the toilet?” I am done pushing! Right now am on email no. 188 but I am still at 10% bonus with Qatar airways. However email 189 is about this “Scribd” reading app that is really great. For all those of us who love reading but we cannot get access to magazines, books and articles online this is the answer to what you might have been looking for. There are great categories to check out sports for men, fashion for women (including how to keep a weave clean), fitness, wellness, technology, history, bibliographies and memoirs, kitchen, romance and everything nice. The app also provides audiobooks through a listening library for those of us who take showers with their earpieces on. Enjoy a free trial, recommend it to friends, and continue reading free. Reading is not a national past time but what do ya’ll do on that Tuesday evening rush hour traffic? Try read an article on The New York Times and catch Donald Trump’s two cents on weaves, you might also know if the most powerful man on the planet is a boob guy or an ass guy. A little knowledge never hurt. Clink on the link below, register and get to know the price of unga in Italy.
Scribd.com Anroid app – http://www.mb102.com/lnk.asp?o=11336&c=918271&a=242672&l=11493&s2=firefinch1123 Join over the ten million users and readers worldwide.
Scribd is also available for iPhone and iPad on Apple app store
It’s 3:29am now and I am sympathizing with this lady reporter on CNN who is covering a story on Russia World Cup in 2018. She just flagged down a cab, sat at the passengers’ seat and is trying to engage the driver who seems not to know let alone understand a single English word. She has to make these absurd signs which she thinks are natural-even baboons would surely comprehend but the cab driver is looking at her through his rear mirror and possibly wondering if the lady is silly or he should just turn on the AC. Email 230 and no more bonuses yet, maybe I should just stay in my village, forget bread and blueband and have guavas for breakfast as usual. Baseless title? Blame it on the thought of guavas for breakfast.
Peace and Love!