Who ties your shoelaces for you?
Haha I do, who ties yours?
Idiot I tie mine too
Why do you ask then?
Because you are so dumb, I am not sure you know how to
Haha it’s just that sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth…sometimes through my fingers
Hehe (at least she laughed-if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything) God must love idiots…he made so many
Haha you are too funny, when was the last time you saw your gynecologist?
I swear you would experience orgasm if I included the emojis. I didn’t know girls like this exist, I mean, with girls nowadays concentrating on fake tits and a highly followed instagram account, it’s relatively easier to get an honest politician than it is to get a girl with such a profound sense of humor. I got her number from a dating site a week ago and her profile read “My name is Lisa from Canada, I am currently living in Murang’a working with an NGO that is fighting against jiggers, I am tall, leggy but with no jiggers, blonde and my friends tell me I am beautiful. I am looking for a man who can pronounce ‘rural’ without blinking, a man with two kids who got straight A’s in their last biology exams and a man who is ready for a relationship leading to marriage, basic skills in jigger prevention and control is an added advantage”.
Sorry I lied; I lie occasionally to amuse myself, ever figured out how this world would be without lies? I did, I took a one week vacation to Honestkistan and this was one of the most boring weeks in my life, it is a boring Island with no WiFi and girls are not allowed to show cleavage there. Here is the true bit; I got her number from a friend who thinks that she is too hard to get, he didn’t believe that I can win her or even make her laugh, not even on text so we contacted sportpesa for the odds and these guys have a really nice customer care policy they placed the odds at “if I win my friend is going to buy me beer for the rest of his life but if I lost I was meant to give him my car keys for good (it’s really hard to live without lying)”
She is a stewardess with Turkish airlines, with an ass worth melting for, he met her in a high end corporate party where he had been sourced to serve the guests, she must have liked how he balanced glasses on a tray otherwise I can’t figure out how he got her number. He texted her immediately after he got home but he got nothing, nothing but blue ticks, seven heys, hellos and goodnights but no response on any, not even on Friday night. I must admit I love challenges; I could trade a bottle of fine Irish whisky for them especially where estrogen and a nice behind are involved. Again I lied I am not sure I could trade my bottle of whisky for anything outside family; some really nice grains have died in the making of this whisky…it is only prudent that I show some respect.
Where did you get my number again?
From an address book in a telephone booth in town…
It is just that I rarely get texted by smart idiots
Oh…thank you I get that a lot
Yes I understand you are the McDonald of smartness in idiots
Haha I understand you are a stewardess, do you serve business or economy class
I mostly do business class
Wow! There must be a lot of whisky there
Yes and the men there are much smarter than you are
On a scale of me to Donald Trump, how smart?
That’s a hard one but idiots with money tend to be smarter. I bet Trump has more money than…
Yes and I can’t afford a phone I am texting you from the telephone both where I got your number
Hehe I wouldn’t be surprised
How does the Great Wall of China look from the skies?
We rarely ply that route but I can tell you how the clouds in China look from the sky
…I bet even the rain too.
Hehe yes and the thunder in China too
When are you in the country, and not in the air…we could catch up over some whisky
Are you asking me out?
No I am offering you free whisky, something I rarely do
Can I miss the date and still get the whisky, I don’t date men
I don’t date men too…that makes two of us; we could make a good couple, such chemistry
I mean I like girls dummy.
I swear for the second time that this conversation would be orgasmic with emojis…except for the last bit…well I am not so anti-homo but I thought the odds were in my favor. This conversation continued and just so you know, she is dating a Portuguese girl who is a hotel receptionist she met in the United Arab Emirates, they are not suffering the plight of a long distance relationship and she is more of the girl in the relationship, her ‘boyfriend’ doesn’t leave her socks everywhere in the house which in most cases is a hotel room.
At least I made her laugh but I can’t tell my friend she likes girls, that was not provided for in the bargain and I really need someone who will buy me beer the rest of my life.
This conversation has given me long nights; I can’t help the thought of Daria (my dream daughter) rolling like madam stewardess. It is even scarier figuring her as the boyfriend in the relationship or the husband in the marriage if there is ever to be any. Handling all the responsibilities that come with being a man; the torture that comes with trying to remember her birthday, summons over the pictures and messages of other girls as she scrolls through your text while you take a shower, and the recurrent thought of whether you are still satisfying her in bed-I am not sure of the existence of sexual satisfaction in gay couples but we can’t downplay it.
I can’t imagine having a conversation with her over this matter or even sitting in my sun room on a boring Sunday afternoon and her introducing to me her girlfriend; a tall light girl with a boring ponytail. “Mum and dad meet Rita my new girlfriend (holding hands), mum I think you have met her mum she runs a grocery store just around the corner (and she would sip her tea then nod in agreement), her dad drives one of the county’s fire engines (and I would sip my wine thinking at least I will be less scared about fires now)”. As is expected of a good father, I am supposed to stand, hug and peck Rita and say something like “pleasure to meet you” but the wine might insight me to utter some unprintable words in the middle of the hugging and it is very likely she might never sit her silly ass in my sun room again, harsh right? No I want someone who will pour me my best whisky as we discuss bride price.
It is even worse if my son introduces another testosterone bearing idiot as his soul mate, it is most likely that I would respect his sexuality but that largely depends on whether he is the man or the woman in the relationship.
Kamwegawritings is now on instagram as kamwegawritings, you can also follow me on twitter @kamwegawitings, on email email@example.com. I have really sweet and ripe avocados for the first people to follow, like, retweet and possibly start a conversation with me.
Peace and Love.