Dear Future Husband,
There are utmost two reasons as to why I am writing this specific letter; firstly it is in the interest of peace (my peace, my girls’ peace, my sons’, your peace et al). Secondly it’s because I want my children to have the best relationship they could ever have with their daddy and I don’t know how that feels for I have never had one.
Utterly I would compare fatherhood to a coin. This is why; a coin has a head and a tail daa!! And as a man you can choose to be the head or the tail. Whereby if you choose to be the tail (the easy road), first there is no wedding so you get to save your millions and we cut on cost, you don’t have to think of a wedding ring (God knows I will need it not) ,you don’t have to think of bills, house shopping, fixing the shower, building a gazebo and all the handy work a man does. All you could do is have a rental or abode in your parent’s crib where you only eat, sleep, exercise, work and repeat. You could also come visit your kid(s) once in a while, but it’s mandatory that you pay their school fee since I do the rest. You see this side of the coin doesn’t entail much, rather it just requires you to go an extra mile and be responsible for your children’s education and you are free to roam and look for someone else, you don’t get to play by the constitution or bill of rights or the Bible because I can manage.
Now here is the other side; the side that could make you regret being a father a husband and most of all an in-law. This is the side that will make you have sleepless nights, the very side that will make you leave our marital bed and host yourself in the guestroom maybe even move to a lodge. This is the side that will make me grow long nails so that I can peel your skin off in an argument. This is the side that could make us or break us if we don’t tread warily. The side that could make us go for couples therapy and the side that…, sadly, could separate us for eternity. God forbid
Let me break the ice. Father’s day; My fifth favourite day-the other four are, my birthday, your birthday, our wedding day, mother’s day and others come after Father’s day – what makes it special is that we have you and we will be celebrating you. While at that we will not buy you booze, we will buy you a cake, sweets and we will cook you some tea. Then we will go for binge jumping or sky diving or whatever you like but booze I disapprove. However there is something I would ask of you. Now you are a father because you fathered someone so here is the think kindly be a dad; where you get to take the kids out and have fun, forget about me I will be preparing tea for the night, just be there, listen to their childish stories watch them laugh with no milk teeth, swim with them, and if they use diapers wipe off their poop and some day when they come of age our daughter (s) will tell the world you were her first love and she will leave to tell that she is a daddy’s girl and in the night when they are tired and insist that you take them to bed, please remember to sing a lullaby. Not that I will be a lazy wife but because at times children need their dad to do what mommy does too and someday our son might seek help when he needs someone to marry because he knows you served as a good example to him.
Talking of in-laws, I have noisy siblings and cousins what have you. They will bite your neck off if you are a nuisance and when you are drunk be careful of what you say and to whom you say it to. You know what they say, drunken words are sober thoughts. I would very much prefer that you blend in well like I said in the interest of everyone’s peace. When it comes to my folks don’t worry much they will love you firstly because I love you and they want to make me happy and then they will love you because you are responsible enough.
Talking of my nails. I will skin you alive when you prefer your job to your family, who even does that? When you miss family dinner intentionally I will skin you alive, when you miss our sons’ football match I will do than skinning you, when you come home drunk and bring your melodrama, I will bury you alive when you sober up. When you keep making promises to our children and keep saying “one day I will buy you,” or “daddy has no money!” I will skin you alive for the kids will start nagging mummy to buy them and mummy made no such promise. The sole reason that will make me skin you for the rest of eternity is infidelity so don’t even test the waters.
There are two reasons that will make you leave our matrimonial bed; first because you found out I am having an affair or because I just don’t sleep well, forget infidelity, I don’t snore but I just change positions I could have my head at the side bed frame and my legs on your head or I could be trying some funny dance style I saw on you tube and you will say for the umpteenth time that I should sleep well and come to bed late thinking that I have changed and the story will be the same the next morn. Don’t worry no one taught me how to sleep well and when you move to the guest room I will follow you for no one likes to sleep on a cold bed at night. Let’s meet at the lodge too at your own discretion and I will sleep in the same limbo. Anyway, we will stand the test of time. Fatherhood is an uphill task darling, brace yourself!